Worked, Sort Of

Status Report: As suggested last time, I did spend time with the kids as they settled into bed. However, having three girls in one room, sharing a bunk bed, does not allow for the most private conversations!

The boys...well, one talked, the other was tired and the third was a handful to put to bed (that'd be the toddler).

So, limited success. Will modify this weekend and see what I can achieve in the way of meaningful interaction with my wonderful children.

Just Five Minutes, That's All

In fairness, I first heard of this meaningful way to spend good time with our kids from Joe White, an incredible man who owns and runs Kanakuk Kamps.

Today I was reminded about the idea. Here it is. And it is so easy.

Rob has five kids. He is a busy guy. He does something at home that works. It helps him connect with his children. Spend just five minutes each night sitting on your child's bed, asking about their day and about tomorrow.

It takes Rob about half an hour each evening to do this. He hears all sorts of good stuff. And then he affirms and says a short prayer for that child. Tells him or her why he loves them (you are a gift from God). Joins them in thanking God for a good day, in asking God for grace or help for the next day.

Five minutes of one on one time with each child. How they must welcome that interaction. Rob likes it too! Those kids will remember that time with much fondness, no doubt. They'll likely repeat the process with their own children in a couple of decades.

What a gift to the next generation and beyond.

I like that idea. Think I'll try it tonight.

As It Should Be

Only an hour ago he asked, "When are we gonna start reading Lord of the Rings again, Dad?" I told him I would like that, but we've got some hurdles to surmount. The kitchen duty chores have been divided up differently, so that it is no longer a group effort. Each night a different child takes on the entire task, solo. Well, the table gets cleared off by all, but that still leaves plenty to do for just one person, especially a grade-schooler. We've had some motivation issues, and that requires some parental intervention and assistance, which takes time and energy...and then when the kitchen is finally cleaned up, it is pretty much bedtime (yes, it can take that long to clean up after 8 people - and tonight's BBQ'd ribs was a wonderfully messy meal to clean).

This was not a perfect evening, but a nice one. After a tremendous meal, which the children devoured, the cleanup took some time and effort. I put the little one to bed, and he seemed ready to sleep without much fuss. Now there is a gathering in the living room, as Mom reads a book, Carry On Mr. Bowditch. It is excellent, historical fiction encompassing history, geography, astronomy and more. Really fascinating.

And it strikes me that we need - I need - more evenings like this one. Family dinner followed by some "down time" and togetherness. Our routine got lost somewhere before Christmas, and we haven't found it since. We've had too much going on, some illness, some unexpected travel, visitors. All of that got into the way of our beloved nightly routine. And we all noticed that.

I like what is happening right now. This is our family, as it should be. Oughta be. Needs to be.

It is getting late. We let the kids stay up a bit longer, as we have enjoyed the night's tone and activities. The book is closed, our prayers have been said, and now, it is bed time. G'night.

Lots of Work

No excuses for not posting recently. Just outta time. And that is not necessarily a bad thing...

Talking to a co-worker who has, I think, seven children, I became aware of how tiring it can be to parent a larger family.

I am familiar first hand with the difficulty in balancing time between work and my family relationships. How to find the moments to meaningfully connect with first my wife and then each of my children? It is a struggle which requires continual evaluation, reflection, prayer, thought and action.

It isn't so hard to engage the kids collectively. That can be done over dinner, or at bedtime prayers, or in between. Having the wherewithal to talk to my spouse after all those exchanges, though, is another thing. And then to additionally carve out five, ten or more minutes for and with each of the kids…that is a hard task. God, help me do this well!

Anyway, just had a quick conversation with Mike, who has a very daunting task. He has a larger family, and the financial strain he deals with is significant. My situation seems relatively easy compared to his. Mike is working full time at the office. To supplement the family's income, he delivers newspapers every day. That requires him to rise very early each morning. And now with tax season approaching, he will soon be spending increasing hours preparing taxes for others. Three jobs! As he described his schedule, I realized that however pulled in many directions I am feeling, Mike is stretched far more. While I may be tired, he is exhausted. I am blessed to have but one job, and we are able to live sufficiently comfortable on that income, but Mike works three different jobs to provide for his family's needs.

"How do you find time to be with your family?" Well, he seems to have - at this time - Sundays off, and a couple of evenings are free.

"Its sure seems that as I feel drained by work, I have a more difficult time engaging with and leading my family. How do you do it?" Mike looked at me, smiled weakly, and said he tries as best he can.

I left that interaction thanking God for my own situation, and feeling that I have little room to complain. I can only hope and pray that I will be the husband and daddy my wife and kids need. Let me purpose here to go home tonight and provide the emotional support with strength, guide the table talk with purpose, and demonstrate love in meaningful ways to each member of my family.

Guess I'd better start making that transition, from "Mr. Office" to "Mr. Husband and Dad" as I drive home this evening.

What about you? It takes a lot of work to balance your time. How do you do that?

Road Trip!

Let’s take a road trip. Let’s pile the six kids into the Suburban, and make sure everyone has clothes, clothes and more clothes. Warm clothing that will travel well for the cross-country drive, dressier clothing for the funeral, jackets and coats, boots and mittens. Entertainment, food, extra supplies…pile as much as that ol’ truck can hold. We’ll be a self-contained traveling city. Or army. Whatever. Don’t forget pajamas and the swimsuits, because the hotel has a nice pool.

The hotel. While the new standard seems to limit occupancy at four people per room, we’ll see if we can stretch that a bit. How about six for a night of two? We can farm out a couple of kids to other rooms. They can sleep with their cousins. Okay, that leaves two parents and only four children in our room. Hmmm. How to work this? Easy to place the youngest – he has a crib of his own. Love those hotel cribs, which are, most frequently, the portable playpen variety. They work well enough. So, down to three kids to sleep in the one bed. We’ll try that. Have to wing it for the final night, as we’ll be solo (so to speak) and no relatives to lean upon. Maybe we’ll just stuff the kids wherever we can make room. Did that once this summer, and it worked.

Let’s see. Breakfast is included, so that’s one meal we don’t have to worry about. And this hotel has pretty good food – more than the usual high carb, mostly sugar stuff. Boiled eggs, yogurt, and milk make for some protein. They do serve pop-tarts, which are a comfort food, of sorts, since I grew up on the things (hard to believe I find comfort in those ‘pastries”).

Back to trip prep. Do we have the entertainment? Yep. Got the iPod, the FM transmitter, the headphones, the PDA and appropriate cords, the walkmans, the books and toys, the CDs and tapes, and whatever else we might need for the 14 hour drive. Paper towels? Check. Diapers, wipees, baby food, baby snacks, baby bottle, and…? Yes.

Maps? Nope, this trip is pretty much the same as it was last time, and the time before that. Boots, shovel, emergency supplies? Right-o. Put the new tires on. Have the new battery. Got that leaking water pump fixed, and the belts and hoses are new, too. So the vehicle seems ready. We are about ready. And we didn’t stay up ‘til midnight this time. That is good. Because the 14 hours to get there will begin all-too-soon, and anything we forget will have to be bought at Wally World or elsewhere.

So, going on a road trip in the winter with a larger family is an experience. Unforgettable. Strenuous. Done right, it can be a great experience. Let’s hope!

The drive – that’s the subject for next time.

Practicing Silence

As a parent of six children, I experience quite a bit of conversation in my home. There are times when I wonder what quiet is really like. Or if I will ever experience silence in the house before 11:30 p.m. The talking, yelling, arguing, and (this is the good part) laughter seem unending and all-pervasive. There is simply little time of quiet in the home, but that is to be expected with a larger family.

Actually, I am grateful for the children and their desire to share verbally with me and with each other. When I walk in through the front door, I am glad they want to fill me on their day, on the news of the home, of whatever they are feeling. That is a rewarding exchange, and in listening I show each child that I love them.

My kids need to learn to effectively communicate. They need to learn to write and speak well if they are to succeed in life.

Professionally, I am in the business of communication. I get paid to talk for a living. It is a wonderful thing, and I enjoy what I do. I'm told I am pretty good at it, too. Nonetheless, there is a danger in this line of work, and that is in talking too much. At times I feel compelled to fill every empty moment in a conversation with talk, because, after all, I am a good talker! There is of course a problem inherent in such activity. Too much of a good thing is bad. And in speaking too freely or frequently, I am in danger of making my own thoughts and ideas somehow become less meaningful.

Personally, I often struggle with being fast and loose with my words, speaking first and then thinking. This happens at work, in discussions with friends, and most often in the home. And that is something that must change.

This notion of being more economical with my words is a lesson I want my children to learn. Alas, it is not something that I can effectively model for them, it seems. For reasons I cannot explain, I find myself apologizing to them - and to my dear wife - for saying things I shouldn’t have, or for using an improper tone as I speak, or for not listening better.

The Old Testament book of Proverbs has much about the value of guarding the tongue, letting it fall silent and speaking little. Chapter 17 is especially meaningful to me, as it seems to capture the difficulties of trying to use the tongue well. Over in the New Testament, James addresses this subject with great eloquence. His word picture of a ship set on course by a small rudder is a perfect analogy of how a few stray words can turn the direction of a conversation, or even of an entire relationship, in a different direction.

I would do well to heed these great insights! I simply must be quieter in everyday life. I have to slow down the tongue, express my opinion less, and be more thoughtful. At the least, I'll display a bit of wisdom in doing so (see Proverbs 17:28)!

About the value of being quiet, Francois Fenelon (1651-1715) said this:
"Silence promotes the presence of God, prevents many harsh and proud words, and suppresses many dangers in the way of ridiculing or harshly judging our neighbors... If you are faithful in keeping silence when it is not necessary to speak, God will preserve you from evil when it is right for you to talk."

May you use your words well, and may those words you speak be useful and beneficial to others. And in those moments of quiet, may you powerfully experience God's presence.

A Child's Prayer & Perspective

It is now nearly 10 p.m. The day has been full, and the evening activities have been non-stop. Musings on a busy day…

…By what I can tell, the children’s noise and energy levels were high throughout the day. Mom was pretty exhausted when I came through the front door, and spent the evening after dinner in the recliner, blanket pulled up over her, reading and then resting with her eyes closed.

We did have an opportunity for a little conversation, in which she indicated that the kids had been pretty much on their own without much intervention from her. She has been wrestling with fatigue and some emotions. Today found her unable to direct or discipline the children. And so, they behaved a bit wild, noisy, uncontrolled and – gasp! – much like children.

Into this scene arrives the professional problem-solver, the man who has answers, the guy who gets paid to bring order to chaos. And he was tired from the wildness of his day at the office. Lots of unexpected activity which pulled him away from what he had hoped for – some precious, all-too-rare “desk time.” So, he retires to his castle, ready for some respite and quiet. Ahhhhh. That sounds lovely.

Yikes! What planet have I been on? I am a fool to expect any semblance of quiet when I come home to this bunch. I love each one of the kids God has given us, but sometimes wonder if they can possibly be any more expressive and dramatic? They are wound up, bouncing off the walls, and generally rambunctious with reckless abandon. Heavens, what have we done? What will we do? Then it hits me: WHAT WILL I - ME ALONE - I, I, I DO?

So I pull on the gloves and start to be the heavyweight champion of the dad-world. I will bring these kids into compliance, I will pummel them until they sit down dazed and in awe of my power, I will help them behave like little adults – only without the child-like attitudes and emotions. Yes, I will vanquish and win. I will prove the victor in getting some control of our – my – house and our – my – children.

Oh foolishness, indeed! I do not succeed in helping the kids see how they can contribute to a calm, reserved, measured atmosphere in the home. No, I am Ogre (hear me roar), I’m Mr. Bad-Guy, I morph into Mr. “Don’t Break The Rules Or Else” man. And in the process I yell, I lose it, I say stupid things.

So now my wife is in bed, the children are drifting off and here am I. We did make up, the younger kids and I, for which I am glad. Prayer time often helps remind them that I love them and that God is in control, even when Daddy isn’t. It reminds me that prayer is how I will survive and succeed as a parent. And my daughter S had treasure of a prayer tonight. She was priceless in asking God to touch some sick relatives, to bring glory to Himself in the midst of the tsunami tragedy, to help us know Him better. Beautiful prayer. A reminder, perhaps, that we are making some progress, even when external behaviors don’t necessarily look encouraging?

As I think through the eve, I believe I can do better. I can and must bring my expectations and my words and my own attitudes into line with what God has for me. I can set a better tone. Lord help me.

And thanks, God, for that child’s wonderful prayer tonight. Hear her, I pray.

Amen.

Startin' Somewhere

Initial thoughts: I have been reading blogs for about 18 months, and have been intrigued by many aspects of this new way to communicate. I've been involved professionally in newspapers and radio and I like broadcast media. It is effective. Is is free (at least the kind I have been part of - as opposed to cable tv, satellite radio, and other subscription media). That said, I am really drawn to blogging. What started as a growing interest in reading blogs has become a desire to contribute to the blogging community - why not turn a passive interest into a fruitful activity?

Blog, oh Blog, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. A blog can be personal. A blog can be political. A blog can be entertaining. A blog can be instructive. A blog be a meta-source for obscure info. A blog can be immediate. A blog can be arcane. A blog can be...(fill in the blank). I want to explore all of the above, and see if I can define any sorts of parameters to what I write and record.

The name for this site is self-descriptive. Themes I will touch on in this blog will be mostly about life with several kids. While the traditional family has three kids or so, we have six children They range in age from 16 to 1. I love each one, I love them all! And we have some pretty interesting dynamics - with which other larger families can probably identity and relate.

From the vantage point of a relatively experienced husband and dad I'll explore here parenting, marriage, communication, activities, events, phases and more. My wife will post thoughts and insights as she is able. And maybe I;ll ask the kids to weigh in - why not make this a family affair?

That said...here goes!